ENGLISH JOKES – VERY FUNNY

Hi everyone,
I have selected some funny jokes from the internet. Have fun!!
Kelly
ENGLISH JOKES

THE MATH HOMEWORK
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…..
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing?
The little boy answered, I”m doing my math homework, Mom.
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked.
Yes, he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math? The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.
The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

Big Sale
It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.
On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…
“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don’t open the store!”.

Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types:Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users – People who press the keys that break other people’s computers.

Dog Watch Guest:
“Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?
“Hotel Host: “I can’t imagine, unless it’s because you have the plate he usually eats from.”

Feel Better
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!”
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”

Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
“The day before I die, I’d like to sell every piece we’ve got just to see how much it’s all worth.”
“Well,” his friend replies, “since you couldn’t possibly know the day before you were going to die, you’ll never be able to sell!”
“And that’s where you’re wrong,” the man smiled. “If I sell it, my wife would kill me!”

1 Comment

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